


Hidden Sides of Us

by Zesty_Bill_Clinton



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Graphic Self Harm, M/M, Panic Attack, Self Harm, Severe trigger warning, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, also Micheal has two moms but that's not very important, anxiety attack, but man it got dark, i didn't mean to hurt my son I'm sorry, i tried not to be too explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:16:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11341635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zesty_Bill_Clinton/pseuds/Zesty_Bill_Clinton
Summary: TW: self harm/anxiety/panic attacksThis was why he needed his friend.  To be alone on such a shitty day was a recipe for disaster (aka where Micheal is having a panic attack and Jeremy calls him in the middle of it)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING  
> (Please stay away from this if you're easily triggered by mentions of self harm/anxiety/panic attacks-I don't want anyone getting hurt or anything) 
> 
> I didn't mean to hurt my son I'm sorry for this. Also this is based solely on my experience of anxiety and self harm, if it's different for you or you think I portrayed it wrong feel free to let me know but this is no way comprehensive of all experiences.

Micheal and Jeremy had been friends since kindergarten, they told each other everything. Well mostly everything.   
Micheal stood in front of his bedroom mirror standing face to face with the one thing he never told Jeremy. Scattered across his stomach and thighs were thin lines. Some were faded and white, some scabbed over in a shade of brownish red, and then there were the fresher ones- still an angry red from the blood and the pain. Micheal shook his head causing the tears welling in his eyes to spill out. He lifted up his arm and stared at it. There were a couple thin white lines on his wrist below his pac-Man tattoo, but he stopped cutting there when Jeremy saw them in 8th grade. For all Jeremy knew Micheal had stopped cutting once he entered high school, which couldn't be further from the truth. Micheal balled his fist tighter, digging the razor he held into his palm.   
"You're such a mess" He muttered to himself.  
"You're fat and gross and no one likes you." He said as more and more tears spilled from his eyes. "Not even Jeremy likes you. He's just pitying you. He's always pitying you".   
He had been doing so well too, three weeks clean, until now of course.   
The day had started badly, he felt like shit his whole day of school. Usually when either of them we're having a bad day they would binge out on junk, video games, and sometimes weed to at the very least distract them from their problems. Of course Jeremy had play rehearsal today. Despite his bad experience with the squip, he actually really liked acting. It wasn't like Micheal wasn't happy for his friend, but without anyone to distract him his evening was a pure downward spiral. He ended up crying alone for a long time. He tried to do his homework but it was as if he was frozen solid and couldn't move or do anything else. His moms forced him to have dinner and watch some shitty reality tv show, but they didn't notice how upset he was or how the entire evening was spent trying to keep himself from crying. One of his moms had recommended he go to bed early because he looked "tired" and he was thankful for the relief. That's when the worst of it started. As he lay in bed his mind started racing and he could feel his pulse start to leap in his throat. He could feel himself rocking back. He could feel his left hands shaking almost in tune with the galloping beat of his heart. It was like he was falling through thin air and being swallowed up in a tar pit all at once. His thoughts of self loathing and fear and panic swirled around and around like a tornado of darkness ready to sweep him away. He couldn't handle it anymore- it was too much, all too much. He curled in on himself and reached out grabbed for his glasses case. He never put his glasses in there instead he kept something much more sinister. In it was a small razor which he quickly palmed. His breathing got harsher. Anything to make it all stop.   
It needed to stop.  
He couldn't remember how much time passed- how much time he spent slicing all over the places his clothing usually covered. He didn't care whether they were shallow or deep he just needed the pain needed to keep his hands from shaking. He needed something.   
Eventually his heart calmed down and he could feel the attack lifting from him. He could feel the blood starting to congeal on his legs and he stood up to clean himself off. He glanced at the clock, 10:37 pm. Well if he was quick he could still get a couple good hours of sleep. As he walked to the bathroom he saw himself in the mirror and stopped. God he had fucked up. This was probably the worst it had ever been.  
Micheal looked back to his bed suddenly when he heard the sound of his phone buzzing. Who was calling him so late at night? He decided to ignore it. It was probably a telemarketer anyway. He took a deep breath. "You're such a mess Micheal, what is this, the third time you've had a panic attack this week?" The voice in his head said. Fortunately by now he had mostly calmed down but still felt like shit. If he could just fall asleep he could wake up and all this would be in the past. He started to tiptoe to his bathroom to wash up, the bathroom that was fortunately right next to his basement bedroom, so he didn't have to worry about his parents seeing him. He just needed to wash off and grab bandaids for the worst of the cuts. Then he heard the buzzing again. "Why now?" Micheal said in an angry whisper. He stumbled over to the phone in the darkness and picked it up, not even glancing at who it was.  
"Micheal" said a voice on the other side of the line. A voice he knew probably better than his own mother's.   
"Jeremy?" He said while trying to clear his throat like he hadn't been crying. "Why are you calling so late?"  
"It's the squip. He won't shut up." Micheal sighed and put a hand to his forehead in frustration.   
"Don't you have any Mountain Dew Red?" He asked. He didn't want to be inconsiderate, but this was possibly the worst timing conceivable. Why was Micheal always dealing with Jeremy's problems? Micheal kept his problems to himself!   
"I had some but he won't shut up still. Micheal I need you."  
Micheal almost growled to himself. There were so many things he wanted to yell at Jeremy in that moment.  
"This is your fault Jeremy, you're the one who wanted to be fucking cool!" He thought angrily. "Why don't you just go to Christine, she's the reason you took that pill in the first place! I've always been here for you, but you're never here for me!"  
"What?"  
Fuck.  
Micheal had said all of that aloud. He could almost hear the tears in Jeremy's voice when he spoke next.  
"I didn't know you felt like that... I should just-"  
"Jeremy wait!" But before he could say anything else he heard the phone hang up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos guys!   
> Hope you don't hate me after this chapter oops

Jeremy dropped his phone next to him where he was sitting curled in on himself as if he was trying to disappear into himself.   
“Wow Jer, that went well” he whispered to himself. It wasn’t his fault the squip was acting up.  
“Good job Jeremy” it whispered in the back of his mind. “Even losers like Micheal hate you. If you just listened to me…” He rolled over and shoved his head into a pillow which did nothing to drown it out.   
The squip just kept going. It chattered incessantly, trying to tell him what to do and bemoaning the fact that he had so little to work with when it came to his host.  
“You truly are hopeless Jeremy.” It said lazily, almost as if he were checking his nails while he spoke. “I don’t know how you could ever think Christine would want to go out with you.”  
“Maybe I don’t want Christine!” He shouted aloud through tears. He could feel his heart rate increasing as he panicked. He didn’t really want to date Christine anymore after she politely turned him down after the squip incident. But she still represented so much, everything he wanted to be, everything he needed to change.   
“If this won’t shut you up” he mumbled gripping the empty Mountain Dew Red bottle tightly. He was so tired from crying and trying to withstand everything in his head. “Maybe this will” He sat up and reached under his bed where he kept his secret trick. After a minute he felt the cool glass in his fingers and lifted the bottle up. A full bottle of vodka. Jeremy always hated the feeling of being drunk but it was better than this. Anything was better than this. He uncapped the large bottle and took a long swig. It burned like fire going down his throat but within minutes he could feel it curbing the sharp edges of self hatred in his mind. After about ten minutes the squip was gone and after about forty so was the alcohol.   
“Maybe now I can sleep.” he slurred to himself falling back into his curled up ball position.

\--------------

Jeremy woke up to light hitting him directly in the eyes triggering a headache that would probably last all day. He flipped over and checked his phone expecting at least a text from Micheal. There was nothing. No texts, no calls, nothing.  
"That asshole" Jeremy muttered "He should be the one apologizing to me, not the other way around."   
Still bitter over the night before Jeremy got up and went to brush his teeth and clean himself off. After a quick shower and changing his clothes Jeremy crawled back into bed. He was still tired and pretty drunk so he had decided to just skip school. It's not like his dad would care and it was pretty normal for a senior to skip as well. Micheal would probably text him after school and apologize and everything would go back to normal. Boy was he wrong.

\---------

Jeremy woke up later that day after the school day had ended. He saw he had a bunch of notifications and panicked. Besides the millions of attempted phone calls there were a couple texts.

Christine: Jeremy have you seen Micheal today?

Well maybe Micheal was skipping too.

Then he saw a text that made Jeremy's heart drop. It was from one of Micheal's moms. 

Tula Mell: Micheal's in the hospital 

Jeremy's heart literally dropped. How could this happen? What was going on?

 

Tula Mell: Please call us when you can  
Tula Mell: We think you're the only person that could tell us what's going on

His hands shook as he pressed the call button.

"Mrs. Mell?"  
"Jeremy thank god" she picked up and Jeremy could hear Micheal's other mom sigh in relief in the background.  
"What happened to Micheal? Why's he in the hospital?"  
There was silence for what felt like the longest 7 seconds of Jeremy's life.  
"Micheal- Micheal tried to kill himself last night"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and like I live off comments and kudos so maybe leave some


	3. Chapter 3

Jeremy couldn't recognize what was going on. All he knew was one moment he was on the phone with Micheal's mom and the next he was wretching over the toilet. He could feel all the muscles in his body convulsing with fear and pain and regret and fear.   
After what felt like forever he finally calmed down enough to carry on a conversation though tears were still spilling from his eyes.  
He went back to his phone and re dialed Tula  
"Mrs. Mell I'm so sorry for leaving you like that- I just."  
"It's ok Jeremy, we get it." Tula said calmly, almost too calmly. He could sense that she was on the verge of tears but didn't say anything.  
"Do you know what might have caused him to...?"  
"No idea" Jeremy said, which was only a half truth. Then Jeremy heard Micheal's other mom Renee yelling through sobs in the background.  
"Well he was the last one to talk to him!" She shouted at her wife.  
"He says he doesn't know anything". Tula said weakly.  
Jeremy finally spoke again. "Is he- is he stable?"  
"Yes. Fortunately."  
"Can I come and see him?" Jeremy asked. The seconds ticked by as Tula stayed silent.  
"Fine" she said finally. "But one of us has to be in the room when you're there."  
"Of course, thank you Mrs. Mell."  
Jeremy hung up quickly and ran downstairs.  
"Dad I'm taking the car!" He shouted still in the clothes he slept in with intense bed head.   
"What? why?" His dad said standing up quickly, actually wearing pants for once. Jeremy stopped and turned around quickly.  
"Micheal's in the hospital"  
Jeremy said.  
"Let me at least drive you Jeremy."   
"What no, I can drive myself"  
"You look terrible Jeremy, and you're in no condition to drive safely, just let me be your dad for once." Jeremy knew he was right but he felt like if he said anything else he would completely break down so he just nodded. His dad grabbed the keys and got in their old Toyota Camry. Jeremy was practically shaking the whole ride but thankfully his dad didn't say anything about it. Finally they arrived at the hospital that Tula had texted Jeremy the address of. Jeremy was nearly hyperventilating by the time he reached the waiting room where Tula and Renee were. Mr. Heere agreed to stay in the car saying that Jeremy needed his space for this.  
"Jeremy you're here." Tula said looking up once he arrived. The dark haired woman pulled him into a tearful hug. Even though Micheal was adopted he still looked so much like Tula, Jeremy noticed. Renee didn't even look up when Jeremy arrived. Her blond hair fell in her face and Jeremy could see the tears falling onto her tan slacks.   
"He's awake now, if you wanna talk to him." Tula said softly. "We've already spoken with him."   
"Thanks" He said softly before following Tula to Micheal's room. Micheal wasn't looking at him when he entered the room. Micheal was the palest he had ever seen him almost as if every drop of blood had been drained out of him. Besides his paleness Jeremy couldn't seem any real injury until he looked down to his arms. He had an iv in one and there were thick wrappings of white gauze around both. Jeremy approached his friend slowly hoping he wouldn't hate him or tell him to leave or yell at him or some other terrible outburst of anger or hate.  
"Micheal?" Jeremy asked softly which caused Micheal to turn around and burst into tears.  
"Micheal Micheal oh my god I'm sorry I should leave I'm sorry oh god I'm sorry" Jeremy started stuttering as he slowly backed away but then he realized Micheal was smiling.  
"Jeremy no- don't leave" he said through tears "I'm happy to see you" he said trying to sit up.  
"I thought you hated me." He said. Jeremy walked back over and placed a tentative hand on his friend's shoulder.  
"I could never hate you Micheal!" He said starting to tear up again.   
Micheal sat up in the hospital bed and hugged Jeremy. More accurately hugged his waist because he was so tall compared to Micheal's position in the hospital bed. Jeremy crouched down and pulled him into the tightest hug he had ever given someone.  
"Promise me you won't ever scare me like this EVER again"  
"I promise. I swear" What neither of the boys saw was Micheal's nurse try and tell Micheal to lay back down and Tula slap them with a knowing teary smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Renee kinda seems like an asshole but I swear she's good. Everyone just has different ways of dealing with tragedy.   
> Also because I was too lazy/it didn't fit into the narrative I'm just going to quickly explain what happened to Micheal.
> 
> So after he hangs up with Jeremy he triggers another panic attack and basically thinks Jeremy hates him and won't ever talk to him again so he tries to kill himself (you can probably guess how). Luckily Renee catches him early because she has to leave for a shift at work, which is how he gets to the hospital.
> 
> Also I really love Micheal's moms so I'm probably going to make a series of shorts within the same universe/timeline of this story so keep an eye out for that.   
> <3 <3


End file.
